BTW - Thief update and clarifications

Based on comments, I had to clarify some things:

At Least Get the Pictures Back
This is an odd comment because it presumes that the thief that stole our camera would agree to somehow imply or admit they stole our camera in order to give the memory card back to us so we could retrieve the pictures of our trip.

I envisioned this conversation:

Us: Aha! You stole our camera!
Thief: No I didn't!
Us: Look, the camera sucked. We don't care about it.
Thief: You have no real proof I stole your camera. I did not steal your camera!
Us: We don't care. Keep the camera - just give us the memory card so we can retrieve the photos.
Thief: Oh, okay. I did NOT steal your camera. But, here is the memory card from the camera I did NOT steal. We good now?

Yeah, that's really going to happen - NOT.


I wouldn't want a thief watching my kids
Okay, this requires a bit of explanation and clarification.

The daycare is run by the university. The school of Education offers jobs there as assistant teachers as a "lab" or work study or education credit for some future young teachers. Often, many of the young future teachers are part timers. They either work 4-6 hours a day there. Or, they fill in for just a day when another student teacher has finals or a conflict with their schedule. So the teacher that Wifey suspects (along with the Mom of a kiddo she doesn't like), was just a fill-in that she's seen around, but hasn't seen since the day the camera was taken.

I'm a bit surprised at the comments though. Not one negative comment about a (potentially) thieving Mom at the daycare?


No Confrontations Please!
And as expected, Wifey has passed on the opportunity to view the video. I know for all of you the NEED TO KNOW drives you. YOU want to view that video, if Wifey won't!

But as we were walking up the steps of the daycare for our half-year Parent-Teacher conference with the Boy's teacher, we saw the director of the daycare. I told Wifey that now was the time. She had to decide whether to ask the director for the video (you just can't whip it up - it's archived somewhere in computer storage). She hemmed-hawwed, and then said - No.

And that's the way it is.

Giving Thanks

I was at the gym the other day. As I was getting dressed, two men had this conversation:

Man 1: So, you taking a break from work?
Man 2: Not exactly.
Man 1: Oh, so you still have to work?
Man 2: Well. I'm...sorta of what you call....in between jobs right now.

Ouch! The conversation got a little awkward after that point where Man 1 was trying to tell Man 2 that this was probably a blessing in disguise and to "keep his chin up". Man 2 was trying to be polite (as much as you can with people who are almost strangers in a gym locker), but it was obvious that he'd rather have a J-O-B right then than awkward sympathy from a stranger.

Things like that always remind me how lucky I am right now. Tomorrow or next week, I might get really bad news - but not right now.

So, 10 thankful things during this day of introspection:

1. I have a decent job with good wages. Let's face it - I'm not one of those people who've been told by their bosses they have to be at the "store" on Thanksgiving Day or Bl@ck Friday.
   
2. I've got two healthy kids.
3. I've got a very forgiving wife. Just last night, I did something to piss her off because I was pissed off. 10 minutes later, she just brushed it off as if it never happened.
4. I can pay my bills.
   
5. I've got friends and family I could turn to if I ever found myself in a situation where I couldn't pay my bills.
6. I've found friends on the internets. I may never meet them in person - but then again, there is always the possibility I may one day!
7. I've got health care!
8. I still feel guilty for those who do not have what I have.
9. I can afford things and do things that my parents could not afford when they were my age with kids.
10. That life is rocky. But with the valleys, come the heights.

Have a good day, y'all.

Pack Rat, Shreds of Your Past,

I'm not sure if I've ever blogged this, but Wifey is a real pack rat. I'm a pack rat, but not exactly in the same way. I will keep scraps of paper or small pieces of something because that item reminds of something. Wifey keeps all sorts of receipts in case something needs to be returned 5 or 6 years after it was bought.

Like.

Gasoline.

I don't like to throw my little bits-o-trash away because it brings back a short memory of something associated with that item (it might be a broken piece of plastic off of a toy or gadget - so it's not anything fancy).

Or, it is because I procrastinate. I tend to put off something and so I might have some item to return to the store, but I put off putting the item and the receipt together to take in my car to return. And before I got married, I was fairly good at putting away my receipts and constantly balancing my checkbook (thus I needed to save off the ATM receipts).

Because of my odd affection for some scrap of paper that might not look important or my procrastination on bookeeping, when I first interviewed my cleaning lady (she's been cleaning for me for over 15 years!), I told her, "Listen, I'm really bad about putting things away. If you see a scrap of paper on the kitchen counter, can you please not throw it away and just pile it up for me to sort through?" And, she's been very good about doing just that.

Except. It drives Wifey crazy.

Any of you Pink Panther movie fans? If you don't know that movie, Peter Seller's Inspector Clouseau had a "manservant" whose name was Kato. Kato was always leaping out of closets or cabinets or very odd and hilarious places trying to attack Clouseau. It was explained in one movie: Clouseau wanted to stay sharp and be able to defend himself. So, he instructed Kato to attack him whenever he could, as a surprise so that Clouseau would be prepared for the real bad guys. However, it got to the point where Kato took that to be his main mission. And, he would not stop attacking Clouseau - even as Clouseau asked him to stop it.

And that's my cleaning lady. After 15 years, she still diligently piles up scraps of receipts on various countertops. Wifey used to point to those piles of paper scraps and growl about my dear cleaning lady. I countered to her that she's never, ever had to scrub a toilet in the house she moved into, and she won't have to ever do it in the forseeable future.

Suddenly, Wifey quits grumbling about my cleaning lady! (actually, that's a lie. She still grumbles - and I ignore it)

Lately, I've been on a mission to shred and get rid of Wifey's old paperwork. As mentioned before, she is a BIG, BIG pack rat. A few months ago, I got sick of a pile of gas station receipts she had piled up on the console of her van. I finally threw them away in the trash. I informed Wifey about this and she started to weakly object to this. I asked her what in GOD'S NAME would you need the little 3 inch slips of paper printed from a gas pump from 9 months ago?

She hemmed-and-hawed and finally agreed that maybe they weren't critical to her life.

And as we've moved two of her knee-high file cabinets to my part of our closet, I've told her we've got to consolidate. She agreed that maybe it was okay to shred documents older than 8 years old (the general rule of thumb for tax documents).

Finally! She's willing to destroy gas receipts from 1991. Seriously, she had the old carbon copy receipts from gas stations from 1991, for a car that was "three cars ago".

Seriously, there was so many little slips of paper stapled together, that after 30 minutes of shredding and emptying the shredder, that the shreadder overheated and refused to work. I had to wait a few hours for the motor to cool and get back to shredding.




But while shoving the documents through the narrow opening, I saw glimpes of Wifey's previous life.

You could see her visits to the old department stores that have gone the way of the dinosaurs (we have to remember that the internet was not always with us). I see receipts (ye-old yellow copy from the carbon copy slips) showing her buying jewlery, undergarments, coats........ just daily stuff.

And then, just ever once-in-a-while, I saw the name of her ex-husband on a few slips. Since he couldn't hold a stable job, most of the credit cards were in her name. I think these very old slips (with his name) was before the mental illness became so prevelant in his life. He had a very odd first and rarer last name (which Wifey never took) so seeing his last name always takes me a while to re-orient myself as to who that last name belongs to.

I googled his name, found it in a few odd places. I told Wifey about this the other night. She had this slight horrified look to her face, until I explained the context of the search results. Then, she just kinda gave me a semi-smirk, and we went back to our business.

Shreds of your life -come and now gone.

It Takes a Thief

[Okay, I don't want to leave you guys with a tease post. I'm not telling you what "it" is, but I've got another short post that's been in my head for a while.]

After we got back from our mini-trip to the East Coast, Wifey had to host a little Halloween party for the little kiddos in The Boy's daycare class. This year, Wifey volunteered to be the room Mom for the kiddos because The Boy was headed to the same teacher The Girl had for two years. We love this teacher, and she loved The Girl and The Boy.

But then, another teacher decided to leave the school and our favorite teacher moved up to a different age group and we got a brand new (to the school) teacher. Let's say that we're.....ummm, a little bummed out with this teacher. She's nice - but not a "teacher". She used to run her own daycare, so she definitely takes good care of the kids. But a teacher? Not so much.

Anyhoo, I told Wifey she had to suck it up for a year. It was bad luck our favorite teacher wasn't The Boy's teacher - but she's just to got to grin-and-bear it with his current teacher.

But during the Halloween party, someone stole Wifey's camera.

Sucks!

I asked the obvious question: Did some little kiddo just see something shiny and take it to play?

No. The camera was on top of her purse, which she purposely placed at a high level so the kiddos wouldn't be tempted to play with it. In fact, the purse and camera were above eye level, so there was no way they could have even seen it.

So.....if the kiddos didn't accidentally take it.......And it was swiped in a 20 minute interval where Wifey placed it and then started to help assemble the room......then it was an adult.

I told her to try the subtle approach first. So, she sent out a note (to all the parents) saying, "Hey, I may have misplaced my camera. There were pictures of our trip to the East Coast. Could you let me know if your child may have accidentally ended up with it?"

No response.

Wifey has her suspicion that it's either one of the assistant teachers (they are part time college kids from the school of education) or a specific Mom in the classroom.

Unfortunately, there is a very rowdy and misbehaving child in this classroom that has been with The Boy (from the previous years' class). And, Wifey has...let's say....a less than sympathetic view of this child's parents because of the child's personality. It's probably very unfair, but it is what it is to Wifey.

Wifey was trying to figure out how to get the camera back. She doesn't care about the camera. In fact, she hated it. The battery life on it was about 2 weeks before it drained itself. And unbeknownst to her, I had already bought her a replacement camera for Christmas. But it was the un-downloaded (procrastinator!) pictures and the sheer audacity of a thief stealing from someone they know.

I had asked her a philosophical question: Would you really like to know who it is?

Because if you found some magical way of find out (and of course they totally denied it), could you really ever look them in the eye without thinking: THIEF!

As I was falling asleep the other day, I realized that there was a solution. Each classroom has a camera in the corner. Of course, in these days of liability issues, each classroom is taped and saved. I explained the situation to the assistant director. She was shocked, but said that if we wanted to see a particular day, they would be glad to pull it up. If the thief was a teacher, the teacher would quickly be disciplined. If the thief was a parent....well....that would be up to us to see where to go next.

They only save 30 days worth of tapes, so I told Wifey that she's got a short while to decide what to do.

She hemmed-and-hawed because she now has a concrete choice in the matter - but she was raised to be non-confrontational. She hates any type of direct confrontation.

And, I gave her her new camera as an early Christmas present to make up for the loss of her camera (I had already purchased it a few months ago).

Yesterday, she told me that she wanted to watch the tape with me.

I was surprised.

However, I also believe that time will "slip away from her" or she will have changed her mind and the 30 day period will expire and we will have lost video evidence.*

On one hand, by not confronting the thief, we essentially have our tails between our legs.

On the other hand, we know that we'll never get the camera back and they can always say that the video image was fuzzy or that it was misleading.

And then we're stuck with knowing that this parent or teacher is a thief.

[Nice alternate post hunh?]

*Special K, we need you and CSI!

The Post That Isn't There

During the break, I was working on a post in my head about a situation....mmmm...maybe a decision we've made for our household. I've been putting off blogging about it (it's not a life-change decision by any means) because I figured, "Well, it's kinda putting it all out there." And, I hadn't felt like putting it all out there.

But hey, running out of things to blog about, right?

Before I started writing up the drafts, I decided to toss out the keywords (concerning the subject) to Google and see how people felt, pros-and-cons, about this type of decision.

Whew!

I won't be blogging about it now!

Those few bloggers that have actually visited me in my house may know what it is. When they ask, "Hey, ummm, why is.....[thing I won't disclose] ?", I explain what was done and why.

[I know this is SO ANNOYING talking around a subject]

And that was my original criteria for blogging about the subject: I told myself, "Well, if you don't mind explaining this face-to-face to people who come over, then maybe you it's okay to blog about it."

But the venemous comments left for some web articles had me re-thinking my post. This is a subject and a decision made by a minority that typically raises the ire of the majority. Even the people I explain face-to-face seem to be keeping a civil "face" with me to be polite (and because I'm standing about 10 feet away from them when I explain it). It's one of those things that, when reading on a web page, your blood pressure boils. But when hearing it from a human being's mouth (mine), you cut me some slack.

I may be all tough and talk about blasting any mean comments to oblivion, but it doesn't mean I like getting the tomatoes thrown at me anyway.

Sorry that this is a tease post (hate those). But, I guess you'll just have to meet me one day to see what I mean. Errr, that is after you give me the secret adoption handshake. What? You thought those Red Couch photos were just "red couch photos"?

Rookie!

BFF

Results from an old poll:(in case the screen shot above is hard to view)

How many best friends do you have?
0 - 13 (9%)
1-2 - 92 (65%)
3-4 - 33 (23%)
6 or more - 2 (1%)

I think I wanted to know about this because I've had more than one conversation with Wifey that went along the lines of:

Wifey: And then Jan moved out of town.

Me: So what? Mary can hang out with.....with...errr...ummm...no one right?

Wifey: Yeah.

Me: Oh, I forgot. Jan was Mary's only best friend.

Wifey: Yeah.

Me: I can never figure that out.

Wifey: Some people, they can only have one best friend.

Me: Weird.

I think it's just never occurred to me to have only one or two best friends. And I'm a bit stunned that there are so many people in the poll that have zero best friends. Though....I purposely left blank the definition of best friend. In that area, to each their own (definition).

How would I classify a best friend? Hmmm. This is tough - cause guys have all these rules about not getting to "huggy" with each other (bleech!).

I think my best definition would be.....a person I can call, ask for help, and no questions asked, they would come through for me. Yes, at a later time, they would like to have an explanation, but at the time I asked for their help, no explanation needed.

When we were stuck in Hawaii for a week, friends came over, opened up the garage and mowed my yard. They put some food out for us for our return.

And with both adoptions, again they came over and did yardwork, unasked.

Yes, it is just yardwork. But several of them told me that (when were stuck in Hawaii) they just felt that they had to do something to help us, even though they knew they couldn't help us. And the symbolism of DOING something for us unasked, meant so much more to me than any card or flowers anyone could have sent.

In a bit of irony, I once told ex-BF that he was one of the people I could count on my hand that, if I said, "Hey, I can't explain right now, but I need you to meet me at midnight, at the border crossing at Laredo with five thousand in cash and a gun." you would be there.

He looked at me kinda funny, didn't actually agree, but said something to the effect, "Well, I'd be there." I call this the "Laredo test", although the person I made this test up for is no longer a BFF (and didn't quite agree he would bring the cash and guns). Hmmm.

Okay, the Laredo test, who would be there?

S.T. - he would ask if he needed to bring a six pack of beer (The Beer Guy)
A.C. - he would ask which type of handgun and shotgun I would require, how much extra ammo to bring, and if gold coins instead of bills would be okay. (The Gun Guy)
M.C. - he would come in a ski mask so as not to be identified (The Worrier)
K.B. - he would check with his wife first; she (the wife) would then be calling her Dad to join me (The Husband)
G.M. - he would have to get permission from his wife - who doesn't like me very much (The Whipped)

Hey, Five BFFs!

I'm not saying that having zero or one or two BFFs is sad. You can't.....wait...I should write you shouldn't fake or force something that can't be there. Some people have the emotional tank for only one or two friends.

You know me, why have one BFF when you can have five?!

The Mechanics

Omegamom provided a link to a thingie. Inputing my blog address, it shows-guesses-false_flatters that I'm a:

Of course, I think these analytical engines are like fortune cookies. It depends on your mood that day, how you read and interpret that slip of paper.

What are you?

Congrats to Kim & Joel !!!!

Someone I've been waiting for a long time to post good news.

A Return to China? pt-3

Aha! Thought I was done didn't you? Yeah, me too.

When we adopted the Girl in 2004, the group was made up of 5 expedited couples. 4 of the 5 families had one spouse that was Asian - the other Caucasian. The fifth couple, they were both native Chinese.

Anyway, I only keep in touch with one of the couples - really the adoptive Dad "P", who I've mentioned several times in blog postings. He and I are, through previous emails between us after we got home with our kids, of the same mind when it comes to culturally non-educating our kids about China.

But, he is also an immigrant to the US, having been born in Hong Kong. By the time I got in touch with him, I'd already published "A Return to China? pt-2". However, he has graciously agreed to answer my questions and let me post his answers. He is also a regular reader of this blog - and so has been following along for a long time.

My questions were:

1) Do you feel that there is a difference between Hong Kong - Chinese and Mainland Chinese?

2) At what age did you leave Hong Kong?

3) Do you feel the need to educate your child in:
a) Hong Kong Chinese culture
b) Chinese Chinese culture
c) American culture
d) Polish and/or Italian culture (for your wifey)

4) Would you take a trip back to China if your kids felt like they needed it to fulfill something in their soul?

His reply was:

At age 10, when I left HK in the early 70's, HK was a British colony. Now China owns HK. In the US, I had always lived in the burb's, not Chinatown and did not socialize with HK or Mainland Chinese. I suspect that my values are similar to other Chinese: pursuit of education, excellence, persistence and wanting the next generation to get ahead. My wife, half Polish and Italian American, share the same values as well. Perhaps these are American values, too?

Our girls will likely adopt ours as theirs. Our relatives in China would give almost anything to live in the US. Many Chinese pay an exorbitant sum to Snakeheads to smuggle them into the US. Thus, many Mainlanders (strangers, aquitances, friends and relatives) consider our girls, not as victims, but lottery winners in life, in that they got US citizenship and a ticket to freedom, opportunity and meritocracy.

July the 4th, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas is what we celebrate. Once in a long while, we eat at Chinatown, not to soak up the Chinese culture. We speak only English at home. They go to Kindermuzik and Martial Arts classes, not Chinese language school or China adoption cultural camp. Fretting about missing out on Chinese cultures is a non-issue here. I don't think their grown-up soul will be missing a China Culture piece. Now, if they do get such a notion, it won't originate from us.

Granted, since I am Chinese, that may also inoculate them against this issue.

Of course someday I (not my wife, who worries about the the safety, pollution and political state of China, but that's another story....) want them to visit China and even stay w/ my Chinese relative in China someday, to open their eyes and widen their knowledge, not to patch up their soul.

And I would go long with them for the adventure, just like if they want to visit Canada, France or Mexico.

Thanks for asking.

Be back, hopefully - 11/24 *UPDATE

Recently I read an update from a blogger I follow. You all have seen different forms of this feeling:

Well, I think I'll be shutting down this blog. After three years, I don't think I have much left to say.

To be honest, I've been feeling along those same lines. No, I'm not going to shut down the blog (duh, learned that lesson twice). It's just I've been looking forward to my scheduled breaks, more and more each time. And then in the middle of my breaks, I can't wait to get back to blogging.

Please leave any questions you might have for me in the comments section.

One last thought, for the next few weeks: No time for gloating. It's time to roll up our sleeves and get to work.
*UPDATE: more than one person has contacted me telling me that Blogger is temporarily on the fritz and not allowing comments.

The Story In Her Eyes

The Girl's Kindergarten teacher has the kids work on picture books. They are asked to draw pictures of things happening in their lives and then the pages are stapled together to form a "book" with a story. During our first parent-teacher conference, her teacher says the Girl enthusiastically attacks her drawing assignments.

Tonight, she showed us the book she made of our recent trip:

On an airplane ride.

We all get in a car to drive from the airport.
We arrive at our hotel.
The next day, we take a boat (ferry).
And we see penguins at the aquarium.
After we get back to the hotel, Mommy has the brilliant plan for all of us to go to the hotel pool (the water was too cool).
And then we go out to eat.
At night, we all sleep in the same room.
The next day, we go out to a farm.
And after we get back, we all go to sleep (this time, she shows the separate beds).

The next day, we all wake up.
But only 3 of us fly home as Mommy had to stay for business.

All Politics is Local

"All Politics is Local"
Thomas "Tip" O'Neil

This is a quote I've always remembered. I'm a history and political buff. And today, FINALLY, is election day.

This presidential election cycle has been rather nasty because of the potential ground-breaking possibilities and (I humbly believe) the rise of blogging. Now, everyone's idea can be a public idea. Unfortunately the public idea (blog) can be used to bonk you over the head or reveals something about yourself that used to be between you and the ballot box.

Sometimes, a regular commenter on my blog will post something in my comments or their blog that really surprises me. They believe in a certain political philosophy and it's counter to what I (incorrectly) assumed would be their political leanings. Hopefully, I've never expressed this surprise to them because I'm not in the position to judge their personal, political beliefs. Just as I would be offended if someone left a comment, "Johnny, I know you mean well, but you are a F-O-O-L to fall for that candidate". Be-Gone insulting comment on my blog!

Wifey has been grouchy. She can't understand why the United States did not just hold elections the week after both the candidates conventions were done. She keeps muttering, "What a waste. What a waste of time and money."

True.

But if you gotta give the "anti" groups time to make misleading commercials, do you not?

And finally, my view of politics - which is a little...what is the phrase I love to read about me? Crumudgeonly? Mmmm, nice.....let's say it again.....Cru...mudge....gonly....Like it!

When I was a teenager and took that week-long trip to Washington D.C. on the Close Up program, we had a chance to ask some bureaucrat a question. This was in the early 80's and we had just had another phase of gasoline shortages. We were using "odd-even" where your license plate determined if you were allowed to get gas that day. Actually, that helped quell the panic and general nuttiness that was going around us.

But, it seemed that certain parts of the country weren't having gas shortages and didn't have to follow temporary regulatory rules. There were news reports about how certain regions of the country were alloted a percentage of the gas distribution across the country and that some East coast regions had no gas problems whatsoever. Oh the indignity! I asked this bureaucrat,

"How come, we in Texas are suffering from gas shortages? We have a VERY large base of refineries in the Houston area. I think it's dumb that the people who make gas don't get more gas and have to wait in line!"

Ahhh, youthful vigor and stupidity.

His response was,

"Well, let me turn this around. Would you say that people in the farms should have more food than you because they are in the food producing business? We can't have areas of this country hoarding things or products they specialize in."

Wow, that really turned my head around. And then I think of that phrase,

"All politics is local."

We have theories about what should be done at the national level....as long as it doesn't affect our own personal best interests.

When I've read about the Bridge to Nowhere, I've always thought......"There must be more to this story than just a bridge that goes out and stops somewhere over the ocean" (I literally had a mental vision of a bridge that just stopped dead over the water, with no connecting section).

And then, Omegamom posted her view of the Bridge to Nowhere now that she is an Alaskan resident (linked with her permission). What "we" perceive as waste is perceived as needed for the people living right there.

Another thing I've always remembered about our love for fingerpointing was something that used to amuse the national news networks. They would always put on some segment about the Golden Fleece Award. I would always think, "Yup, that sure sounds stupid. But, I think that the people receiving the government money for research or execution would probably beg to differ."

Or, if they admit that what they are receiving is a waste, they use that time-honored reasoning, "Well, if everyone is getting some money that might be considered waste, I should at least get my fair share." And once again, we see that

"All politics is local."

I'm particularly galled at politicians whole fully support term limits* until it starts applying to them. The case of the current NYC major wanting to change the rules and allow himself to run for a third term makes me just shake my head in disgust.

But that's we want. We have a theory of why Washington D.C. is vile and a viper pit. But our local politicians, except the corrupt ones, we lurve them.

It's easy to talk about waste and tax loopholes. But a loophole to one is a fair benefit to another. I was thinking about what example I could give that many of us adoptive parents would understand. And then it hit me - the tax credit for adoption. When I first heard about this, I was sure that it would only involve domestic adoption. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it also covered foreign adoptions. Yay! Except [cough, cough] Wifey and I have a combined income which disqualifies us from being able to claim that credit.

But, do non-adoptive parents have a right to say, "Hey, I never got a tax credit for having a bio child! We both get a tax deduction for having a child, but you get a CREDIT that I'll never be able to recover. Essentially, you're helping fund the Chinese government's draconian birth policies with this tax credit. We should take care of our own, first. We should limit the tax credit to domestic adoptions as a way to "encourage" domestic adoptions first."

Or...."I want less government!"....except that part where the government gives me a tax credit for adopting, thank-you-very-much!

How did ya like that perspective?

But, but, but.....ummm...ummm....I'm sure there are a lot of other loopholes out there that are just as....ummm..ummm..."bad" and you know until we find a way to fairly close loopholes, it's not fair to close my loophole.

"All politics is local."

And finally an odd closing to this post. There was an obituary a few months ago that I read in our local paper. It took a while to deduce that it was the son of the deceased who wrote the obit. It was so funny and quirky I almost cut it out to scan into my blog. He discussed the full life his mother lived and discussed her love of poetry (she was a poet) and Democratic politics. In closing, he listed three things she said or conveyed to him in her last days:

• That she was pissed off she wouldn't be able to attend her own memorial party
• That she was pissed off she wouldn't live to vote for Barrack Obama
• As they say in Chicago [where she was from]: Vote Early and Vote Often!

Y'all have a good election day folks.

*By the way, I can't be sure that having term limits is actually good or bad.

A Return to China? pt-2

The next part of the question:

Would you like to see more of China yourself?

No, not really. China doesn't really excite me all that much.

Wait, did I just cause heart palpitations in red-thread-ladybug land?

Eeeh, get over it.

Honestly, before we adopted from China, I always thought it might be nice to one day visit the Great Wall or the Forbidden City.

But not a burning desire.

In the same vein I would say it would be nice to visit Angkor Wat or Paris one day.

The fact that we adopted two children from China does not make China any more exciting for me than before we decided to adopt from China.

Yes, I do appreciate that the government of China approved and facilitated the adoption. But that doesn't mean I go ga-ga over "China the country".

And I've asked myself......"why"? And as I've asked myself why I have to think of the original questions:

Are you going on a roots travel if the girl and the boy want/need that?
Would you like to see more of China yourself?

Buried in there is a third question:

How much of China and her culture do you plan on imbuing your children?

That's really the first thing I thought of when I read Marlies'* questions.

And that's where I have to sit down and give myself an answer, analyze the answer, and try to explain why I answered the way I did.

How much of China and her culture do you plan on imbuing your children?

Mmmm, not much.

Why?

• I'm was born in Taiwan - ergo we are racial "blood cousins", should I teach Taiwanese culture instead?
• Oh wait, I know nothing about Taiwanese culture because I immigrated to the US when I was 4.
• Why do I know nothing about Taiwanese culture? Because to succeed in the immigration, I was taught and encourage to assimilate as quickly as seamlessly into the "American" culture (the great melting pot, etc).
  
• Do I consider myself American first and Taiwanese second?
• But then there is Taiwanese, Chinese-Taiwanese, and Chinese-Chinese (not to mention Hong Kong-Chinese).
  
• And then my alternate view is that my kids "immigrated" to the US when they were 16 months and 27 months.
• If being and knowing about the Taiwanese culture means so little to me as compared to the American culture shouldn't I stress the American culture first?
• Or, am I just channeling my mother - who has been whispering into my ear since I was a young tot, "China is evil. China is evil. China is evil."?
• Do I not worry about any of this (cultural belonging) because my parents are alive? I know who my birth parents are, and they are just a phone call away. My connection is well known, so maybe I lack the empathy of what a foreign born orphan will need in the future?
  

I'm in an odd position. I am not white, I am not Chinese, and yet....Chinese...Chinese-Taiwanese...Taiwanese......multiple sides of the three-sided coin.

Sorta.

As mentioned in an earlier, unrelated post many of you reading this are Caucasians who are distinctly different looking than your Chinese-born children. So, most of you have a black-and-white dividing line, whereas mine is a bit more fuzzy.

So, I flipped through the blog rolodex in my head and wondered who I could think of that might provide an example or counter-example.

Then, I thought of Karen of Seeking Baby S. in China (again).

A summation of Karen's situation;

• Married to an Asian man
• Lives in California
  
• Adopted their son from Ohio - open adoption
  
• Adopted their daughter from China
• Waiting to adopt another child from China

So, I decided to flip the tables around a bit because of this unusual situation. The question has been

"Would you visit China so your child could soak up the culture they were born in?"

The question, if it was reversed would be,

"Would you visit Ohio so your child could soak up the culture they were born in (Ohio)?"

It is a purposely silly question. Is there some link to the state or culture of Ohio an adoptive parent, living in California, must teach their child? I gave Karen a gist of why I was asking this reverse question.

Her response, posted in its entirety with her permission is:

You have it right. We have an open adoption with Casey's birth family (his birthmother passed away in a car accident when Casey was 20 months old, and so we stay in contact with her (adoptive) parents (his grandparents) and his siblings (half-brother and half-sister)). We don't make those kinds of distinctions because it's not really important to explaining the relationship-- so we stay in touch with his brother and sister and his grandparents, and through them extended family.

We don't feel any obligation or need to visit Ohio because that's where he is from. If he asked us to go visit Ohio when he got older because he wanted to see the small town where he was born, we would probably entertain the request as part of a larger/longer trip because we want to be supportive of his needs. Just like if he wants to search for his biological father some day, we will do what we can to support that. I don't have the words here to explain why. In my conversations with adopted friends, though, some of them have made it clear that they have no interest in knowing their biological family because they have a family. But others have made it clear that they felt a strong need to know where they came from and why, not because they didn't feel loved and supported but because they were curious. And because I can't know what it's like to be adopted, I will have to trust Casey's feelings on this.

BUT if Casey were from some place we wanted to visit, or some city with other historical value, we probably would go out of our way to visit the city and tell him all about it. Like, if he were born in Boston. Or D.C. Or Philadelphia. Or Orlando (because of Disneyworld). You get the point. Of course, it wouldn't be about culture. Or really about his roots. It'd just be a cool coincidence, I suppose.

And I know you didn't ask this, but for what it's worth, we do plan to take our kids back to China. I don't know if we'll go to Chongqing, where Marcie is from, or not. And although we are LID right now and just assumed we'd take Marcie and Casey when we go to meet our next child, I do note two things about this: 1. we have not discussed a second or third trip for Marcie; 2. we have not discussed a trip for B.S. #3 (who we are waiting for); and 3. we consider the trip an important experience for both Casey and Marcie even though Casey is not from China.

I don't think Marcie could "learn the culture" from a trip to China. Or from learning the language. And I think she is regularly exposed to the culture because Jason's mom is from China. But I don't think it's that simple-- and I don't know that it's super important Marcie understand what it means to be Chinese (as opposed to being Chinese-American). I just don't know how I feel about that. I am not one of those people who believes I "saved" her from China. We didn't adopt because an orphan in China needed us. We adopted because we needed her. Totally selfish. Though that's a bigger conversation-- and not something you asked.

So there you have it. We would not plan to visit our child's U.S. birth place just because our child was born there- unless our child asked to visit it because they felt some need to. And then we'd have to see.

And again, I remind you that Karen's answer is Karen's answer, not yours.

But again, in this purposely silly question concerning "Ohio culture", it is moot. Karen's son actively interacts with biological family back in Ohio. There is no ambiguity or total unknown when dealing with his past.

In past postings, I've made the statement that assimilation is more important to me than veneration of your birth culture.

I've made two visits back to Taiwan since I left in '69. When relatives point out certain places that are supposed to be relevant to me, I smile to be polite, but inwardly I don't feel anything.

While proofing this post, I've thought about if I've got the right to make this decision that is pro-assimilation and lazy-cultural veneration. Wifey has NO interest in teaching our kids about their birth culture.

And yes, I do have the right to make that decision for them. I have the right as a parent. I may turn out to be totally wrong in 15+ years, but like any other parent trying to guess their way through parenting, it's the best I can do for them right now. Things are never written in stone, but for right now we're probably looking at future trips to Italy or New Zealand rather than homecoming trips to China.

*Troublemaker! Actually, I do appreciate questions like that because they open up thoughts and explanations for blog postings.