[I met her when I was 35, then got married 2 years later at 37. She is two years older than me and had gone through a 12-year common-law marriage.]
At the time she moved in with me, a few months before the wedding, we had gotten into a routine. We would take up together around 6:00 am, and we would both leave the house for work at the same time...around 7:00. She was new to her job (after quitting xBF's company) and wanted to make a good impression.
I am a believer in getting to work early so I can come home early.
On weekends, we would walk all FOUR dogs together. Afterwards, I would make her hold the leash on her dogs as I washed them in the driveway. I'm a big believer that one gets used to the smell of stinky dogs. Thus, I've always washed my dogs every week.* Wifey....not so much. She was just too lazy to wash them and gave them the occasional "wipedown" with a wet towel (although I will say that Dalmatians really don't have that thick of fur).
The secret is that I could have easily washed her dogs without her. She would have been more than happy to be reading a catalog on the couch while I was washing HER dogs (and she did that for the first few weeks). But, I soon made her stand out in the driveway with me while washing her dogs. Like her mother, Wifey thinks that if something gets done without her involvement, then little house-elves must have taken care of that thankless chore.
Not in my world.
Anyhoo. We got into a rythm. Sometimes we would see movies together on Sunday afternoon. Sometimes she would nap and I would see movies by myself (my preference actually).
And then at the drop of the hat, we could join other couples for dinner on Friday night when we didn't feel like eating in.
Kids were on the horizon, so we knew that this was only a temporary phase or window of our marriage. But we also purposely went on many fun and romantic (couples) trips because we knew we were unencumbered.
We took the attitude that NOW was the time to play, because one day we would eventually be parents and who knew what that life was like? We didn't come outright and say that we were going to do THIS and we were going to do THAT (as parents). We're both engineers and realize that there is "theory" and there is reality that hits you in the face.
But the one thing that I kept thinking was, "We can do what we [EACH] want to do." In other words, we both got married later in life. We both had a sense of our own "selves"; we both had a "Life as One" for a long time and we weren't the type of people who were highly dependent on having a partner participate in everything we did.
So, we were husband and wife. We were life partners. But we could also say to each other, "Okay, I gotta run a list of errands. See you (8 hours) later." And off we would go in our own world.
That's great, but that also made me think that sometimes we were just roommates as well as spouses.
Along those lines was the concept of independence. It's like this:
Me: Hey, I want to see movie A.In this case, there is no common element (kids) that make us have to compromise. We're each adults and can agree to disagree.
Wifey: Eeeh, it doesn't do much for me. I'd rather see B.
Me: Okay, I'll go to A and you go to B. Meet back here at 3:00.
Wifey: Sounds good.
Kids, on the horizon.
*On average, we miss washing the dogs about 2-3 weekends a year.
8 comments:
I think it's healthy that you have a great we/me balance...
Interesting. We do alot together... Almost too much...
(and you can't blame W too much for the houseelf thing. She was raised that way!)
I worry about the independence thing-I lived alone for 10 years (and was never lonely, except when I was sick ;) and jb lived alone for-well, I guess 10 years, because he lived with someone for 8-but essentially he was on his own for 30 years. We have only lived together for 10months, despite our 8 years together, and it is an adjustment to compromise-on a Saturday, if I want to get stuff done around the house, he is quite likely to go off hiking in the mountains on his own. The good part is that, since we are both used to being self sufficient-there are no elves in our home. And we do do a lot together-we just don't talk about a 3rd option if we both want to do different things. ~lmc
We were completely co-dependent during our twenties. All together, all the time. But after the first baby and I stopped working (so no commute together), we both kind of missed it. And being by yourself was a luxury. And being together without the girl was rare too.
Ok, doing the math here in my head.... you met Wifey when you were 35, that makes you.... NO WAY! I'm stunned. Seriously. You guys don't look a day over, I don't know what, but not that. You both look great.
B and I are like this as well on the days we don't have my stepdaughter - we even do the Sunday movie. We have solitary habits and hobbies, and we're okay with going our separate ways to enjoy them. We know this is going to change when we have a full-time child.
Good to read that we're not the only ones out there who don't have to do everything together. Sometimes those couples freak me out.
PS - Glad you're back!
We must be of a similar generational timeline (married in the 30s after independence), except as a single, I acquired cats.
"Wifey thinks that if something gets done without her involvement, then little house-elves must have taken care of that thankless chore."
Haha. SO much like my husband. But he used to be a bachelor and take care of his own sh**, so he's not unfamiliar with such; he just doesn't always *notice*. (Reference: Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys)
I can really relate to the independence within a relationship. It was clear from the start that we both appreciated our need for alone time. We *like* doing little things together, but we can certainly go off and read or surf or whatever and be content separately. But then we always go dancing together every week, and that is inviolate.
We know some of that will vanish with kids. (alone time? what's that?) One couple of friends made an big impression on us. If there was a movie they wanted to see, they'd take turns going to see it alone while the other stayed with the children. That way they could at least go to the movies (and even the same movie), just not at the same time! We have some idea that we will take our kid dancing with us (it's family friendly). hehe That may be a pipe dream. We shall see...
Holy moley - I could have written this post. Seriously. I have to say that 90% of the time, this is how I prefer to exist as a couple. But it's the other 10% where I feel like roommates that really annoys the crap out of me sometimes...lol. Especially those times when I'm walking around picking up my roommates mail from every surface of the house, etc...
The only thing I actually miss now is that since we have differing schedules, I almost never have alone time. He however has hours and hours of alone time - and never cleans a thing with his... joy. lol...
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