Even Stevens, pt2

Now, am I ever going to get to the point of this? Well, this started off with a point, then it rambled, and now I hopefully can get back to the original point.

The original inspiration was a few bloggy Mom's saying, "I realize now that I need ME time."

Blah-blah-blah, Duh-uh, blah-blah-blah.

Now, I've been thinking about why both Moms and Dads need Mom to be away from the kid. And by "away", I'm not talking about a quick trip to the store. I'm talking about being gone from 2-7 days.

Here's what I came up with:
(and yes, this is written from the perspective that the Mom is the person who spends most of the time with the kiddo)

For Mom

Sanity - First, I have to say that once again I tip my hat to SAHMs. I think having one-on-one interaction every day with your child is good. But, at some point, I know that I've heard and read many Moms say in exasperation, "I need some adult conversation once in a while." Yup, I totally understand. Having to watch [the Girl], I have to constantly go into child-speak and simplification. A child doesn't want to talk to you about interest rates and when and if you should get a new car.
I've seen the "crazy-from-the-heat" look in the eyes of some Moms, and I don't know how to tell them that they look like they're about to POP. Moms have to submerge their desires and needs for the child (at least those not raised by wolves). Sooner or later, that may bubble up into resentment if not released.

Assurance - Moms could you be confident that your spouses could handle the changing of a poopy diaper, with the added benefit of having the dog and the kiddo sharing the fun of shredding the diaper? How will you know unless or until you toss hubby in the deep end and find out out bad it is? You need to know what "we" don't know so you can teach us and tell us that...you might want to take off her shirt if she's going to be diving into a bowl full of spaghetti she likes to eat with her hands. You might want to teach us or tell us that little kids don't realize that they have to close their eyes when water is being poured on their heads as part of washing their hair. You need to teach us or tell us that we don't need to actually carry a diaper bag wherever we go, as long as one or two diapers can be shoved in our pants pocket (hey, I can). But most importantly, you need to know that if you were to leave us and go to the other side of the country due to a family emergency, it's not a given that the child MUST come with you because Dad* has never taken care of kiddo (alone) for more than 3-4 hours.

You're Not the Only One - And now for the punch to the gut. Moms? Believe it or not, Dads are not (total) idiots. The one thing that's always made me cringe was when Moms would say out loud, "Well, I've got [my kids] because I can't trust [her spouse] with anything live." They would say things in a "ha-ha" way...but it was belittling to the Dad and a sad statement of this enforced dependancy: well, because you are such a dofus as a Dad, I'll climb_up_on_my_cross (again!) and be the main caregiver here. Talk about self-enablement. Or, I've heard the other saying, "Oh, my husband offers to take care of our daughter, but I just can't bear to let her out of my sight. She was alone for so long that...well, I just want her to know that I and I alone am her mother." When I hear that I think, "Geez, are you going to let her breathe? Haven't you used her as an excuse for your own insecurity? Hmmmm. Grrrrr. You need to prove to yourself that others can take care of her.

For Dad

Perspective - I know of some Dads who come home, see stuff just everywhere and say something to the effect of, "Geez hon, don't you think you could have picked up a bit?" Daggers come flying out of wife's eyes! I think that if a Dad had to watch a kid for the weekend and realize that crap here and there is nothing compared to real CRAP here and there, then they would be more sympathetic to the cause, so to speak. I was raised by parents where Dad came home at 6:00 and Mom had the meal ready for him then. He didn't have to see her ferry us from events or stores. He just expected his meal to be ready 30 minutes after he came home. Because I've had [the Girl] to myself for 3 days alone, I can empathize with [Wifey] when she is playing with [the Girl] in her room and has to do pretend-this and pretend-that. Every once in a while, I'll shout out to her, asking if she wants me to take over (to give her some mental relief). [Wifey] almost always turns me down. But the point is that I asked, that I took the time to ask (remember my story about how she never asked if I was okay while mowing her yard?).

Confidence - I find that having had to watch [the Girl] out there, all alone, with no backup was enlightening to me. When [Wifey] attended exercise class, it was different. She left me alone with [the Girl] all of 45 minutes before it was time to put the kiddo to bed. But being gone for 3 days had me thinking in terms of what I was going to do with her for 12 hours. How do I streeeetch out the day so we don't burn up all the fun and interesting things in 1 hour? I tend to try to get done with my mental list of to-do's as fast as I can. With a kid, it's better to stretch it out so that you can pace yourself and the kid. The other day, [Wifey] came home late and was going to be late in meeting some girlfriends for a dinner they planned. I just told her, "Go, go, go. Jump in the shower now. Just go." And she did. And I didn't have to figure out what to feed [the Girl], and when to feed her, and how to feed her, and how to bathe her, and when to put her to bed. And, [the Girl] didn't cry or freak out when she realized Mommie was leaving for dinner (she wondered why I didn't go also or if the babysitter was coming over soon). Nope, she just noted Mommie was leaving and Daddy was getting food ready for her dinner.

I'm Not Chopped Liver - This is a point about respect for Dad from kiddo. The kid has to know that you are also a caregiver of hers and can be trusted with her. I know at the beginning, [the Girl] was saying, "I want MOMMIE TO FEED ME!". Well, baby, Mommie is out of town. It's just you and me. Now, she can adjust and not freak out. Well, it didn't matter if she freaked out, I was going to feed and bathe her. But still, the kid has to learn that Dad can do things for her, also. Maybe not with the same panache as Mom, but Dad's not, well, you know what.

For the Kid

Finally, we have to make sure that [the Girl] knows that Mom and Dad are her parents. Yeah. Duh! But, my Dad never did "things for us". What I mean is the man did (and still does) work his ass off. But, he's not touchy feely. He's not take the kid to buy a new pair of shoes. He's awkwad in those situations because of the way he was raised. That's okay. That's a different lifetime ago. But, I want [the Girl] to know that she has TWO caregivers, not just one.

There are two blogging Mom's who recently went out of town for a girls' weekend out: Karen (pw protected) & Susan. I've asked them to ask their husbands to recount their experiences of watching their girls all by themselves.