Girl: Ummm, daddy?Wishing you and yours a happy 4th.
Me: Yes?
Girl: Ummm, so we were from another country and
Me: Uhhh (China?)
Girl: We had a fight and we won
Me: Okay
Girl: And so we became our country.
Me: Uhhh....Yup, that's right!
Friday, July 04, 2008
We won!
Car ride home from daycare:
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Rest now my friend, rest
My friend J passed away in her sleep this morning. She had been battling breast cancer since she was diagnosed almost two years ago. She and her husband fought and fought and fought. And finally, it was her time.
This picture best epitomizes her and her husband's life together.
(Steakfest 2005)
They would have been married 20 years this October. She was and still is the love of his life.
She was 45 years old.
Goodbye my good friend. I will see you again, one day.
This picture best epitomizes her and her husband's life together.
(Steakfest 2005)
They would have been married 20 years this October. She was and still is the love of his life.
She was 45 years old.
Goodbye my good friend. I will see you again, one day.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Oscar & Felix
I've talked about how the kiddos are diametric opposites of each other. The best example of this is their bedrooms. This is the Girl's room (panning from left to right):
And yes, we do get her to clean it up. However, it requires one of us to sit at one of her mini-chairs and direct her on what goes where. She'll do it, but she has no incentive to do it on her own. Thus, she pouts or goes on a sobbing jag when we insist that she's going to clean her room on her own.
Now, let's look at the Boy's room, from left to right:
The boy is a total neat freak. Sometimes when I'm getting him ready for bed, he'll notice some ball or toy car that's sitting out on the carpet from an earlier play time. He'll get upset, hop out of his bed and go to the toy and put it in it's appropriate bin. Then mentally, whew, he can relax enough to go to bed.
I used to worry that the Boy was getting the short end of the stick, by being the second child. Look at all the decorations on the wall for the Girl's room. By the time the Boy showed up, Mama was too tired do spend too much time decorating the Boy's room.
But you know? That's fine with the Boy. He's not a "collector". He likes is toys every so often, but he could take them or leave them. Half the toys in his room were given to him as presents from our good friends. The Girl, on the other hand, is a serious "collector". She has purses that she just stuffs with snippets of paper, little figurines, plastic coins, and so forth. Many times, that's the debris laying about on her carpet as she gathers, empties, gathers, empties....her purses, sacks, bags, backpacks of stuff.
I find it interesting that their rooms truly reflect their inner being.
And yes, we do get her to clean it up. However, it requires one of us to sit at one of her mini-chairs and direct her on what goes where. She'll do it, but she has no incentive to do it on her own. Thus, she pouts or goes on a sobbing jag when we insist that she's going to clean her room on her own.Now, let's look at the Boy's room, from left to right:
The boy is a total neat freak. Sometimes when I'm getting him ready for bed, he'll notice some ball or toy car that's sitting out on the carpet from an earlier play time. He'll get upset, hop out of his bed and go to the toy and put it in it's appropriate bin. Then mentally, whew, he can relax enough to go to bed.I used to worry that the Boy was getting the short end of the stick, by being the second child. Look at all the decorations on the wall for the Girl's room. By the time the Boy showed up, Mama was too tired do spend too much time decorating the Boy's room.
But you know? That's fine with the Boy. He's not a "collector". He likes is toys every so often, but he could take them or leave them. Half the toys in his room were given to him as presents from our good friends. The Girl, on the other hand, is a serious "collector". She has purses that she just stuffs with snippets of paper, little figurines, plastic coins, and so forth. Many times, that's the debris laying about on her carpet as she gathers, empties, gathers, empties....her purses, sacks, bags, backpacks of stuff.
I find it interesting that their rooms truly reflect their inner being.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Lasagna Rolls
This is a fairly standard Giada pasta-filling recipe: Parmesan cheese, egg, prosciutto, frozen spinach, ricotta cheese, salt, and pepper:
Mix up. I always goof on the frozen spinach. I never fully defrost it and drain all the liquid from it. My bad!
For the lasagna noodles, I thought I might try a new way of cooking them to lessen the damage to them. I take my roasting pan and use it as a pot:
And then cook the noodles flat. I probably saw this on a TV show somewhere.
Now, to make the bechamel sauce. Melt butter, then whisk in flour.
Whisk in milk and stir often.
When it is creamy, add salt, pepper, and nutmeg.
Take the cooked noodles and lay down on a nonstick cookie sheet to cool down.
Pour the behamel sauce onto the bottom of a baking dish.
Dollop the spinach-cheese-ham mixture onto the lasagna, spread it out evenly, and then roll them up.
Place rolled up lasagna rolls onto dish.
Populate.
Spoon over Marinara sauce.
Add provolone and more parmesan cheese.
Bake.
And then you can spoon out individual rolls for dinner.
Mix up. I always goof on the frozen spinach. I never fully defrost it and drain all the liquid from it. My bad!
For the lasagna noodles, I thought I might try a new way of cooking them to lessen the damage to them. I take my roasting pan and use it as a pot:
And then cook the noodles flat. I probably saw this on a TV show somewhere.
Now, to make the bechamel sauce. Melt butter, then whisk in flour.
Whisk in milk and stir often.
When it is creamy, add salt, pepper, and nutmeg.
Take the cooked noodles and lay down on a nonstick cookie sheet to cool down.
Pour the behamel sauce onto the bottom of a baking dish.
Dollop the spinach-cheese-ham mixture onto the lasagna, spread it out evenly, and then roll them up.
Place rolled up lasagna rolls onto dish.
Populate.
Spoon over Marinara sauce.
Add provolone and more parmesan cheese.
Bake.
And then you can spoon out individual rolls for dinner.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Congrats to Atomic Mama
Atomic Mama (pw-protected) and Hubs received their son yesterday in Guangzhou.
Chauffeur
Growing up in the 'burbs, I took the school bus to school from elementary through to high school. Looking back, I think I was lucky. These days there is much discussion about issues concerning bullying, especially on buses and I could have seen that happening to me. However, the kids on my route typically got along. No fights, no pull-overs by the bus driver. And, the bus stop was across the street from me (we lived on a corner lot). We would all gather, about 6-8 of us, not say to much to each other, and just wait. Now that I think about it, it is a little odd to stand there with another person 9 months out of the year and just mumble a few words to each other. I remember reading a few Steven King novels while waiting for the bus.
In my middle, upper-middle class high school, there were a few kids who had cars to drive themselves to school. Back then, it was no big deal if you did or did not have a car. I think it was just more of a convenience so that you could stay after school for after school activities such as sports, clubs, etc.
As I got in college, I noticed more cases of parents dropping off and picking up their kids. They were shunning the old school bus stops and taking their kids directly to school. And then when I went to visit my old drama teacher (who I used to visit twice a year), one day we drove up to the high school to pick up her daughter.
I was a bit surprised. I thought she would have been the one to send her kid on a bus to show her that having a car (which has become more of a status issue) was not necessary. I started looking around and realizing how many of these kids have parents dropping off and picking up by car - personal chauffeurs!
I wondered if we'd become a society where the kids have come to expected a higher level of "service" from their parents. Have our kids become too good for the school bus? Where is the humility you learn from riding the school bus to and from school each day? When they get to college, will they demand a BMW because the college bus line is too plebian?
But, as I expected, my view of this has changed in the years since I became a parent.
You know how it is......in the context of how things are in the world....when you apply the bad things that might happen to you or your kids, now you freak out.
If someone were to snatch one of my kids while they are waiting at the bus stop, I think I would die.
That's has changed since the kiddos. You might think, "Oh, goodness. Not in broad daylight, not with others around. Surely?"
And you know deep down that.....yes, it is surely quite possible.
These days, it's become a self-fulfilling fear. Because of the fear of danger to your child, many of the parents are driving their kids to and from school. And because of that, the bus stop sometimes consists of just one kid waiting by himself. And with that one kid? Where is the safety in numbers? And so that parent ends up driving his kid to school.
The other day, there were two people near me that were having a philosophical talk. They were discussing if the amount of [bad things that adults do to kids] has always been the same "amount". The only difference between now and 100 years ago is that we have TV's and the internet to let us know all the bad things and bad people that exist out in the world. In other words, the world has always been this scary, it's just that we now know about it.
Yeah.
Sigh.
I've seen parents sit there in lawnchairs with their kid waiting at the bus stop. They do that for a few weeks, then they don't do that anymore. I wish I could ask them why they stopped.
But in the end, it comes down to the fact we would all die if someone were to touch our kid.
Chauffeur it is then.
In my middle, upper-middle class high school, there were a few kids who had cars to drive themselves to school. Back then, it was no big deal if you did or did not have a car. I think it was just more of a convenience so that you could stay after school for after school activities such as sports, clubs, etc.
As I got in college, I noticed more cases of parents dropping off and picking up their kids. They were shunning the old school bus stops and taking their kids directly to school. And then when I went to visit my old drama teacher (who I used to visit twice a year), one day we drove up to the high school to pick up her daughter.
I was a bit surprised. I thought she would have been the one to send her kid on a bus to show her that having a car (which has become more of a status issue) was not necessary. I started looking around and realizing how many of these kids have parents dropping off and picking up by car - personal chauffeurs!
I wondered if we'd become a society where the kids have come to expected a higher level of "service" from their parents. Have our kids become too good for the school bus? Where is the humility you learn from riding the school bus to and from school each day? When they get to college, will they demand a BMW because the college bus line is too plebian?
But, as I expected, my view of this has changed in the years since I became a parent.
You know how it is......in the context of how things are in the world....when you apply the bad things that might happen to you or your kids, now you freak out.
If someone were to snatch one of my kids while they are waiting at the bus stop, I think I would die.
That's has changed since the kiddos. You might think, "Oh, goodness. Not in broad daylight, not with others around. Surely?"
And you know deep down that.....yes, it is surely quite possible.
These days, it's become a self-fulfilling fear. Because of the fear of danger to your child, many of the parents are driving their kids to and from school. And because of that, the bus stop sometimes consists of just one kid waiting by himself. And with that one kid? Where is the safety in numbers? And so that parent ends up driving his kid to school.
The other day, there were two people near me that were having a philosophical talk. They were discussing if the amount of [bad things that adults do to kids] has always been the same "amount". The only difference between now and 100 years ago is that we have TV's and the internet to let us know all the bad things and bad people that exist out in the world. In other words, the world has always been this scary, it's just that we now know about it.
Yeah.
Sigh.
I've seen parents sit there in lawnchairs with their kid waiting at the bus stop. They do that for a few weeks, then they don't do that anymore. I wish I could ask them why they stopped.
But in the end, it comes down to the fact we would all die if someone were to touch our kid.
Chauffeur it is then.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Boy Named Sue
I've only heard this song sung once (watching archival footage of Johnny Cash singing at Folsom), although I've known about it for many years. The lyrics are here, so you can read them if you've never heard the song.
This post was originally about the thoughts of a name and how it affects you as you grow up. Specifically, how having a non-standard non-Caucasian name makes it awkward going through this white world. But, this originally thought morphed a bit into what adoptive parents consider when adopting a child that's already been given a designated name.
Most of you reading this post, have the name your parents named you when you were born. A few of us, we have the odd experience of choosing our names. I hadn't gotten around to writing this up (for you Kikalee) until now. However a few months ago, another blogger asked me in private email about my thoughts about keeping, changing, or modifying an adopted child's original Chinese name.
I've received permission from them to post the original question, which was:
My reply:
I know I'm sorta belaboring a point, but I do know the feeling of having your name changed. I experienced the slow morph of the name in school, and then at the age of 11, I was sitting in the judge's chamber (naturalization ceremonies weren't as large as they are now) with my family. And my parents pointing to the piece of paper I was going to sign saying, "Well [my original Mandarin name], there it is. You can decide if you want to keep Johnny or use your original name or remove your original name completely (not use it as my middle name)". I kinda shrugged, said I liked Johnny and went ahead and printed out my new full name and that was that.
I know that some of you have mulled over the concept of keeping, altering, or replacing your adopted child's given Mandarin name. First, I don't have any answers. I think my reply to the person above tries to show how there are so many ways to look at it.
But that email exchange made me think about what Wifey and I thought about when pursing A1 and A2. I told her that I wanted English names for the kids. The given names on the Chinese documents were just that, given. Names cycled through at the orphanage so that they could keep track of who was who. But that's a pretty cold view of things, to some people.
Thus, I decided to have an imaginary conversation (I know you love those) with someone who might say, that our complete erasing our child's original name during the adoption, may be a contribution to the loss of our child's identity; that by giving new complete names, we're robbing them of something integral to their being. But is that the whole story?
This has been an ongoing thread of mine in all my posts. Parents take their kids to Mandarin class to help preserve their culture. They do it because they are worried that their kids will feel robbed of their culture when they become teens. And yet the name? Won't that be something they carry around even longer?
To be honest, I sometimes wonder if I should have just nuked my original Chinese middle name. It makes people tongue-tied and it causes confusion on computer forms (some aren't friendly to hyphenated middle names). It's a mental anchor I drag along with me as I help some poor person on the other end of the line stumble through the pronunciation, and then try to tell them that it's okay, they didn't hurt my feelings by grinding my name through their vocal cords
What is, is.
The end of the Johnny Cash has always stayed with me:
This post was originally about the thoughts of a name and how it affects you as you grow up. Specifically, how having a non-standard non-Caucasian name makes it awkward going through this white world. But, this originally thought morphed a bit into what adoptive parents consider when adopting a child that's already been given a designated name.
Most of you reading this post, have the name your parents named you when you were born. A few of us, we have the odd experience of choosing our names. I hadn't gotten around to writing this up (for you Kikalee) until now. However a few months ago, another blogger asked me in private email about my thoughts about keeping, changing, or modifying an adopted child's original Chinese name.
I've received permission from them to post the original question, which was:
On the other hand, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to have a - and I'm being completely un-pc here - "non-american" name. I don't know if we'll be make things more difficult for them if we go that route.Any thoughts?
My reply:
That's an interesting question. I think I could argue that either way is good. As you may or may not know, I arrived on the shores of America as a 4 year old. And, I enrolled in school under my original Chinese name. And over time, the kids were making fun of me because I was different. So, they tried chanting "Chinese, Chinese, Chinese" but it was kinda garbled and came out as Chiny, Chiny, Chiny...which sounded sorta like Johnny.This email exchange had me thinking. This goes back to past, light disagreements I've had with people about the concept of preserving an adopted child's original heritage.
I don't know when I switched over and started using Johnny (my original Chinese name is a hyphenated two-word name, kinda a bitch to say over and over). But, I know my Mom and Dad gave me the option, when I became a US citizen of choosing my original name or my new name. I think I chose "Johnny" because it's just easier for people to say and it's less bother for all concerned. I don't have to correct them, they don't have to stumble over the pronunciation.
So, this is a long way for me to say that I can see it both ways. On one hand, you don't want to freak the child out by calling them something they have no frickin clue what it means. And, it's a sort of respect for them as an individual; acknowledging that they were someone before they met you. On the other hand, having people constantly mis-pronounce your name (I have a difficult last name as well!) is kinda grating as the years go on.
You could do this:
[White Person name] Li [Last Name]
You call them Li at home for the first year or so, and then slowly transition to their American name. The problem with this is that you'll get so used to it, you won't break the habit and now you are calling them by their Chinese name anyway!
But if you then try the other way:
Li [White Person's name] [Last Name]
And some of your family calls them by the middle name, that will be confusion as well!
Again, round-and-round with no good answer for you, other than go with your gut once you meet them. You can call them anything you want. It's that critical time in China when you are finally filling out your paperwork that you will have to decide.
My friend [name withheld] had a name all picked out for her girl. And then when they met her, they said, "You know, she seems like this Chinese name. We don't know how, but it doesn't seem right to take that away from her." So, they kept her Chinese name as her first.
And then there's me: We got the Boy at 26 months old and we immediately switched him over. Hasn't done him any harm.
I know I'm sorta belaboring a point, but I do know the feeling of having your name changed. I experienced the slow morph of the name in school, and then at the age of 11, I was sitting in the judge's chamber (naturalization ceremonies weren't as large as they are now) with my family. And my parents pointing to the piece of paper I was going to sign saying, "Well [my original Mandarin name], there it is. You can decide if you want to keep Johnny or use your original name or remove your original name completely (not use it as my middle name)". I kinda shrugged, said I liked Johnny and went ahead and printed out my new full name and that was that.
I know that some of you have mulled over the concept of keeping, altering, or replacing your adopted child's given Mandarin name. First, I don't have any answers. I think my reply to the person above tries to show how there are so many ways to look at it.
But that email exchange made me think about what Wifey and I thought about when pursing A1 and A2. I told her that I wanted English names for the kids. The given names on the Chinese documents were just that, given. Names cycled through at the orphanage so that they could keep track of who was who. But that's a pretty cold view of things, to some people.
Thus, I decided to have an imaginary conversation (I know you love those) with someone who might say, that our complete erasing our child's original name during the adoption, may be a contribution to the loss of our child's identity; that by giving new complete names, we're robbing them of something integral to their being. But is that the whole story?
PC: Uhhh, dude. I know I'm going to regret this, but when you babble about re-naming adopted kids, you're taking away the only thing they had that was truly theirs. I find that kinda cold and cruel.
Me: Really.
PC: You're kinda disrespecting their heritage and their history by suggesting that taking away their Mandarin name is simply a matter of convenience.
Me: Yeah, I am, aren't I?
PC: Buuuuuuuut.
Me: What was your child's Chinese orphanage name?
PC: Meng-Hu Jiang
Me: Really, shouldn't it be Jiang, Meng-Hu? That's the correct full pronunciation in China.
PC: Fine, okay!
Me: And she's now called?
PC: Jane Meng-Hu Doe
Me: Why didn't you keep her Chinese first and last name?
PC: What? We did keep her first name, Meng-Hu.
Me: Why does she have your last name? And why is her first name now the middle?
PC: Well, that's silly! She's our kid! Of course she has to have our last name! And we've preserved her first name as the middle name.
Me: But didn't you just simply wipe away her history by making her first name now a secondary name? Why couldn't she have been called Meng-Hu Jane Doe? And, who says that she had to lose her last name of Jiang?
PC: Well, now that's silly about the last name. I mean...
Me: But wait, didn't you keep your maiden name when you got married?
PC: Well, that's not the same!
Me: Seems to me that there is no legal or required reason to lose her last name. There is no requirement in the forms I filled out in China.
PC: Well that's just a made up last name! That's just the name of the orphanage in China!
Me: Isn't that true about the first name "Meng-Hu" as well?
PC: But that's what they called her for the first 8 months she was at the orphanage. It's valid for her!
Me: Then why not call her that instead of Jane?
PC: Argh! You're keep twisting my words around!
Me: Seems you just apply what's PC to what's convenient to you.
PC: God! You're such an ass!
Me: Yeah.....pretty much.
This has been an ongoing thread of mine in all my posts. Parents take their kids to Mandarin class to help preserve their culture. They do it because they are worried that their kids will feel robbed of their culture when they become teens. And yet the name? Won't that be something they carry around even longer?
To be honest, I sometimes wonder if I should have just nuked my original Chinese middle name. It makes people tongue-tied and it causes confusion on computer forms (some aren't friendly to hyphenated middle names). It's a mental anchor I drag along with me as I help some poor person on the other end of the line stumble through the pronunciation, and then try to tell them that it's okay, they didn't hurt my feelings by grinding my name through their vocal cords
What is, is.
The end of the Johnny Cash has always stayed with me:
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him . . . Bill or George, any damn thing but Sue! I still hate that name!
Monday, June 09, 2008
Never wrestle with a pig
There is a quote that I think about once in a while:
Anyhoo, this always brings me back to a woman who used to work at the Mega-lo-corp. She was infamous for standing her ground and refusing to do something she didn't want to do. The real story was that she wasn't that good of a programmer. She got a programming degree, but she never really used it. Instead, she stumbled onto an obscure part of our job that very few people knew how it worked. And because it was something that was obscure, many aspects of that job (the process) hadn't changed since the mid-1970's. When someone would ask her to make changes in the process to adapt to the 1990's or THIS CURRENT CENTURY, she would balk.
But the way she would balk, reminds me of email wars and the comment about wrestling with a pig.
(in order to mask my job at Mega-lo-corp, I'll have to use a made up example)
Let's say you sent her an email:
Her email back to me would have been:
She was excellent at fighting the rearguard action. She just delayed and delayed and delayed until you threw up your hands and went and got the damned water yourself!
She did this, not surprisingly, because she decided that this very minor job would be her job-for-life at the Mega-lo-corp. She was going to own it, and as long as she owned the job of going down to the pond to get that teaspoon of water, the Mega-lo-corp could never lay her off because.....NO ONE ELSE KNEW HOW TO GET THE TEASPOON OF POND WATER.
At least, that's what years at that job had convinced her. But the real reason, if you haven't figured it out yourself was she was too scared (or lazy) to learn a new process. And if she learned a newer, easier process....then wait, anyone could do that job - not just her!
She just wore people and managers out. She was passed from department-to-department. She was often part of trades, like in baseball.
I was never in a job that could outrank both her and her manager and force her to change. Finally, after 15 years at the Mega-lo-corp, I stumbled onto a very high position technical job. I told her manager, who was a friend of mine, that I was going to have a crack at getting Jill to go up the hill to fetch a pail of that damned water!
I started off with the official email stating my need for her to get said pail up said hill to get said water.
She came back with 5 reasons not to do that.
I responded with the same request again, this time copying her manager.
She came back with 7 reasons not to do that. I only skimmed the first few lines and deleted the note if I didn't see an agreement.
I asked her again, this time copying her manager's boss.
She came back with different arguments (because obviously she wasn't making herself clear to me). She also offered to set up a conference call with other people at the Mega-lo-corp who could attest to the fact that the foundation of Mega-lo-corp would C-R-A-C-K if we used a pail of water from up the hill.
[Now I have to point out that there were much, much more email exchanges that lasted months - but I'm doing a distilled version of what happened]
I stopped by her office and asked her verbally to do my requested task. She said, "I'm confused. Didn't my last email tell you why we couldn't do it?" I answered, "Well, to be honest. I look at the first 2 or 3 lines of your emails and if it's not what I'm looking for, I delete it."
She was almost apoplectic when she heard that. Yes, the last 7 emails she sent me, I just deleted after sending her a reply back asking her to do it again (and copying her manager).
One day, she finally did what I asked. She sent me a huffy email. I went to her manager, an old friend of mine, and asked her what happened. My manager friend said she finally got fed up and walked into Jill's office and ordered her to make the changes I wanted. You have to know my friend, she's a very big softy and she never raises her voice nor puts "steel" into her commands. But, on that day, for that issue, she found the resolve to make it very apparent that Jill had to do what I waned.
And how long did it take her to perform the task? 15 minutes. This was after 7 months of e-mail and office visits.
Later that week, I went to the grocery store, bought a sheet cake, and had it decorated with a picture of a "pail of water" flying past the hill with angel wings*. I brought the cake into the office of another manager (who had been waiting to get that pail of water) and two of his technical leads and we cut the cake and celebrated behind closed doors.**
About two years later, a certain manager (who always had Jill on his mental sh*t list) got promoted to be the BIG KAHUNA. Within a few months, Jill was fired due to poor performance.
And so, what does this have to do with blogging, angry emails and potential trolls? The reason I think of the phrase:
And so when someone sends me an email and they look like they have their verbal guns strapped onto their hips and they're "calling me out"?
I mark their address as SPAM, delete the email, and never respond.
No wrasslin', no mess.
*The cake was indeed decorated to reflect my victory, but it wasn't a pail of water with wings.
**Celebrating that type of victory, especially with a manager, could have led to reprimands.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoyed it.How does this come up? Well, ahem, sometimes I post something that gets someone riled up. If it's a nasty comment, I delete it. Sometimes, I'll get challenged via email. Funny, when it's direct email it's never as nasty as an anonymous comment.
Anyhoo, this always brings me back to a woman who used to work at the Mega-lo-corp. She was infamous for standing her ground and refusing to do something she didn't want to do. The real story was that she wasn't that good of a programmer. She got a programming degree, but she never really used it. Instead, she stumbled onto an obscure part of our job that very few people knew how it worked. And because it was something that was obscure, many aspects of that job (the process) hadn't changed since the mid-1970's. When someone would ask her to make changes in the process to adapt to the 1990's or THIS CURRENT CENTURY, she would balk.
But the way she would balk, reminds me of email wars and the comment about wrestling with a pig.
(in order to mask my job at Mega-lo-corp, I'll have to use a made up example)
Let's say you sent her an email:
Dear Jill,
I was wonder if you and Jack could go up the hill to fetch a pail of water? I know that in the past, you've gone down to the pond and gotten a teaspoon of water, but now we need to use a pail and get the water from top of the hill.
Her email back to me would have been:
Johnny,And that's how she would fence with you. It would become:
I don't think we can do that. First, you have to understand that there is no need to get a pail of water when a teaspoon will do. We've always used a teaspoon of water and unless marketing can give me proof that we need as much water as a pail would hold, it would be a waste of effort.
Second, I think that I can find several people at the Mega-lo-corp who would tell you that going down to the pond to get water is more efficient than going up the hill. The hill? It's a bad idea.
Third, as you mentioned, Jack does need to go up the hill. I've spoken to him about this and he's agreed - of course, that he should get the pail of water. I've copied him on this note. And if you need, I can set up a meeting with him to confirm.
And finally, I am willing to discuss maybe one day, going down the pond with a pail, I think it will have to wait 2 years until the latest water gathering commitment is fulfilled.
Sincerely,
Jill
Re: fetch a pail of waterThe "Fwd" was when she started globally copying people all over the Mega-lo-corp sucking them into our online email feud. In a way, it was brilliant. You bring in more voices, you get more people pointing all sorts of directions with differing opinions. I had some people reply, "Uhhh, I'm not sure how I got copied on this note, but I don't have anything to do with water gathering. Please take me off this distribution list." And then, Jill would launch into this long discussion about how this person was part of the water gather process, they just didn't realize it.
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She was excellent at fighting the rearguard action. She just delayed and delayed and delayed until you threw up your hands and went and got the damned water yourself!
She did this, not surprisingly, because she decided that this very minor job would be her job-for-life at the Mega-lo-corp. She was going to own it, and as long as she owned the job of going down to the pond to get that teaspoon of water, the Mega-lo-corp could never lay her off because.....NO ONE ELSE KNEW HOW TO GET THE TEASPOON OF POND WATER.
At least, that's what years at that job had convinced her. But the real reason, if you haven't figured it out yourself was she was too scared (or lazy) to learn a new process. And if she learned a newer, easier process....then wait, anyone could do that job - not just her!
She just wore people and managers out. She was passed from department-to-department. She was often part of trades, like in baseball.
Manager 1: Man, I really need Tom to join our department.And they just transfered the job of getting a teaspoon of pond water along with her to the new manager.
Manager 2: He's my best programmer!
Manager 1: So, you won't give him up? Do I need to escalate?
Manager 2: [mulling, mulling, mulling] I'll give you Tom, but you got to take Jill along with him.
Manager 1: [S-I-G-H] Okay, I'll take Jill too.
I was never in a job that could outrank both her and her manager and force her to change. Finally, after 15 years at the Mega-lo-corp, I stumbled onto a very high position technical job. I told her manager, who was a friend of mine, that I was going to have a crack at getting Jill to go up the hill to fetch a pail of that damned water!
I started off with the official email stating my need for her to get said pail up said hill to get said water.
She came back with 5 reasons not to do that.
I responded with the same request again, this time copying her manager.
She came back with 7 reasons not to do that. I only skimmed the first few lines and deleted the note if I didn't see an agreement.
I asked her again, this time copying her manager's boss.
She came back with different arguments (because obviously she wasn't making herself clear to me). She also offered to set up a conference call with other people at the Mega-lo-corp who could attest to the fact that the foundation of Mega-lo-corp would C-R-A-C-K if we used a pail of water from up the hill.
[Now I have to point out that there were much, much more email exchanges that lasted months - but I'm doing a distilled version of what happened]
I stopped by her office and asked her verbally to do my requested task. She said, "I'm confused. Didn't my last email tell you why we couldn't do it?" I answered, "Well, to be honest. I look at the first 2 or 3 lines of your emails and if it's not what I'm looking for, I delete it."
She was almost apoplectic when she heard that. Yes, the last 7 emails she sent me, I just deleted after sending her a reply back asking her to do it again (and copying her manager).
One day, she finally did what I asked. She sent me a huffy email. I went to her manager, an old friend of mine, and asked her what happened. My manager friend said she finally got fed up and walked into Jill's office and ordered her to make the changes I wanted. You have to know my friend, she's a very big softy and she never raises her voice nor puts "steel" into her commands. But, on that day, for that issue, she found the resolve to make it very apparent that Jill had to do what I waned.
And how long did it take her to perform the task? 15 minutes. This was after 7 months of e-mail and office visits.
Later that week, I went to the grocery store, bought a sheet cake, and had it decorated with a picture of a "pail of water" flying past the hill with angel wings*. I brought the cake into the office of another manager (who had been waiting to get that pail of water) and two of his technical leads and we cut the cake and celebrated behind closed doors.**
About two years later, a certain manager (who always had Jill on his mental sh*t list) got promoted to be the BIG KAHUNA. Within a few months, Jill was fired due to poor performance.
And so, what does this have to do with blogging, angry emails and potential trolls? The reason I think of the phrase:
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoyed it.Is because Jill really, truly enjoyed the email exchange because she loved debating an issue via email. To her, it was exchange of ideas where I could learn from her. I see this type of ping-pong back and forth on some heated blog comments. The original blog poster has lost ownership of their blog, and the comments section becomes a community debate forum.
And so when someone sends me an email and they look like they have their verbal guns strapped onto their hips and they're "calling me out"?
I mark their address as SPAM, delete the email, and never respond.
No wrasslin', no mess.
*The cake was indeed decorated to reflect my victory, but it wasn't a pail of water with wings.
**Celebrating that type of victory, especially with a manager, could have led to reprimands.
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